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Found this over at Believers in Christ:

Men Are Just Happier People. What do you expect from such simple creatures?

  • Your last name stays put.
  • The garage is all yours.
  • Wedding plans take care of themselves.
  • Chocolate is just another snack.
  • You can be President.
  • You can never be pregnant.
  • You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
  • You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
  • Car mechanics tell you the truth.
  • The world is your urinal.
  • You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
  • You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
  • Same work, more pay.
  • Wrinkles add character.
  • A wedding dress is $5,000 but a Tux rents for $100.
  • People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
  • The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
  • New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
  • One mood all the time.
  • Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
  • You know stuff about tanks.
  • A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
  • You can open all your own jars.
  • You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
  • If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
  • Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
  • Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
  • You almost never have strap problems in public.
  • You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
  • Everything on your face stays its original color.
  • The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades!
  • You only have to shave your face and neck.
  • You can play with toys all your life.
  • Your belly usually hides your big hips.
  • One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color for all seasons.
  • You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
  • You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocket knife.
  • You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
  • You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

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My human will never let me eat their pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.

I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.

I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and throw them up so the humans can see that I’m getting plenty of roughage.

I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)

I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.

We will not play “Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti” over any humans’ bed while they’re trying to sleep.

I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.

I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.

I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.

If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house.

It is not necessary to check every door.

I will not play “dead cat on the stairs” while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.

When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.

I will not swat my human’s head repeatedly when they are on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.

When my human is typing at the computer, their forearms are *not* a hammock.

Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.

I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has watched a horror movie.

I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has watched the X-Files.

I will not drag dirty socks onto the bed at night and then yell at the top of my lungs so that my humans can admire my “kill.”

I will not perch on my human’s chest in the middle of the night and stare until they wake up.

I will not walk on the key board when my human is writing important adagfsg gdjag ;ln.

From Pastor Tim’s Clean Laughs

I haven’t posted for a while. Life has been extremely busy. Among the many seasonal activities (shopping, putting up the Christmas tree, wrapping presents, etc.), I’ve been converting an old laptop to run Linux. So far, everything works pretty good, although I’m still looking for a good offline blog editor that will run on Linux.

In looking around, I found the below. I present it as a public service announcement:

The AFLAC Scam

Watch out for this scam. Police say that the gang usually is comprised of four members, one adult and three younger ones.

While the three younger ones, all appearing sweet and innocent, divert their ‘mark’ (or intended target) with a show of friendliness , the fourth — the eldest — sneaks in from behind the person’s back to expertly rifle through his or her pockets and purses or bags for any valuables being carried.

The picture below shows the gang in operation.
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Haven’t done one of these for a while, and considering that I just went through workplace violence prevention training today, perhaps it’s time to purge some of these non-conformist thoughts…

————————————–

On an island in the South Pacific, there lived a tribe of natives called the Trids.  They are a peaceful people, although, well, vertically challenged.  But their island had everything that they could want or need.  It was Paradise….except for the giant.

The giant lived on a mountain on one end of the island.  Every now & then, usually once every couple of months, the giant would come down from the mountain into the village of the Trids and kick them around.  No deaths, no broken bones, just lots of bruises.  Only the very young and the very old were spared the wrath of the giant.

One day, a cargo ship was passing by the island, and stopped for supplies.  On the ship was a Rabbi looking for a place to live for a while.  He saw the island as a sanctuary, a place to relax while he sorted out the problems of life in general.  The Trids welcomed the Rabbi as their guest, but they did warn him about the giant.  He promised that he would do his best to help save them from the giant.

The cargo ship sailed away with the captain promising to return for the Rabbi in four months.  And for about six weeks, everything was as if the Rabbi was in the Garden of Eden.  Then the giant came down off his mountain.

The Trids heard the giant, and ran screaming through the village for everyone to run and hide.  The Rabbi heard this commotion, and went to the front of the village to confront the giant.

And he saw the giant coming down the path from the mountain.  And he was huge!!  The Rabbi’s confidence was fading with every step the giant took toward the village.  Finally, the giant reached the village and stopped in front of the Rabbi. 

The giant looked down on the Rabbi and started to chuckle a low, rumbling, bemused type of chuckle.  With every passing second, the Rabbi’s knees began to shake.  The giant saw this, and chuckled louder.

Finally, the Rabbi couldn’t take it anymore.  He looked up at the giant and shouted, “You’re not going to kick the Trids around unless you start with me first!!  Well, get on with it!!  Start kicking!!”

The giant let out the loudest chuckling laugh ever heard, shaking the very ground and echoing through the land.  The giant leaned down and looked the Rabbi in the eye.  The Rabbi thought he was a goner as the giant fixed him with a penetrating gaze with his yellow eyes.

Still chuckling, the giant said, “Silly Rabbi.  Kicks are for Trids…”

…and then I get tagged!!  This time, Always on Watch ever so nicely slipped me the assignment of listing 8 things/habits.  I normally treat such things as the electronic equivalent of a chain letter, but how can I say no to a teacher?  I sure don’t want detention, so here we go…

1)  I was involved in sports 30 years ago, track mostly.  Didn’t do much between then and a year ago when my wife and I started training together.  If I’m not careful, she’s going to kick my …

2)  One of my ancestors signed the Declaration of Independence.

3)  Learned how to play golf without a single lesson at 16, and was down to an 8 handicap after two years of playing.  I’m now fighting to keep an 18 to 20…why does it get to be so hard when you get older?

4)  Medically, I’m allergic to cats, but we have two and I’m not having any problems.  Go figure…

5)  I firmly believe that the Constitution of the United States outlines the most perfect form of government.  Now if we can just keep the politicians from mucking it up…

6)  Life is too short to not have fun.  Are we having fun yet?

7)  In God I trust – all others bring data.

8)  I speak my mind and opinion without much sugar – sugar is for my morning coffee.

 And no, I’m not going to tag anyone (unless you ask really, really nice…) 

Bin Laden Surrenders to Afghan Authorities.

Iran Releases British Sailors – “It was all a big misunderstanding.”

North Korea Opens Nuke Facilities for Inspectors

All Corrupt Politicians Resign – Congress Emptied – Elections to be Held in November

Al Qaeda Follows bin Laden’s Example & Surrenders in Iraq

The Iraqi Government Resolves All Quarrels With Sectarian Leaders – A United Iraq At Last!

Iran Announces Nuke Program Halted, Ahmadinejad Resigns, Elections to be Held, and Holocaust Did Occur

Hillary Announces Withdrawal from Presidential Race

US Troop Funding Crisis Resolved

Islamic Radical Imams Call for Halt on Suicide Bombers – “Does not lead to Paradise”

Hamas & Hezbollah Disband

We now return you to your regularly scheduled reality…

This was sent to me by “Santa Paws,” who somehow found a super-secret file with the cat’s New Year resolutions.  How the cats managed to type all this in is beyond me, especially since they tend to eat the computer mouse… 

My human will never let me eat their pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.

I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium

I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and throw them up so the humans can see that I’m getting plenty of roughage.

I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)

I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.

We will not play “Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti” over any humans’ bed while they’re trying to sleep.

I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.

I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.

I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.

If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house.

It is not necessary to check every door.

I will not play “dead cat on the stairs” while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.

When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.

I will not swat my human’s head repeatedly when they are on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.

When my human is typing at the computer, their forearms are *not* a hammock.

Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.

I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has watched a horror movie.

I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has watched the X-Files.

I will not drag dirty socks onto the bed at night and then yell at the top of my lungs so that my humans can admire my “kill.”

I will not perch on my human’s chest in the middle of the night and stare until they wake up.

I will not walk on the key board when my human is writing important adagfsg gdjag ;ln.

I ran across this blog while reading the paper, strangely enough.  The author publishes a daily cartoon in Israel, and definitely puts some perspective on the policies of this country.

The latest is a toon from 1992 dealing with James Baker, and in his words,

James Baker is one of the architects of today’s Middle East mess. Now, close to 15 years later, Baker is back. As is Jimmy Carter. Trying to sell us their same old tired, failed ideas about appeasing Arab dictators and pressuring the area’s only democracy.  Again.

Here’s the link:

http://drybonesblog.blogspot.com/2006/12/bush-and-baker-1992.html

Paddington Bear, a favorite of children everywhere, has been implcated earlier this month in multiple deaths in Milford, NH. He was caught at the scene of the crime dressed in a yellow raincoat and hat.

Mr. Bear is accused of murder by one of the most heinous methods – suffocation. The crime occurred at the New Hampshire Fish and Game Hatchery. The details of the crime are somewhat sketchy, but it is surmised that Mr. Bear blocked a drain in a tank, depriving oxygen to 2500 trout. The motive for the crime is unknown as Mr. Bear has asserted his 5th Amendment Rights and isn’t talking to the investigating authorities.

The investigation is continuing into the crime, and the attorneys for the victims may pursue Mr. Bear for damages if the investigation finds that this is a hate crime as defined by Federal statutes.

At this time, the crime does not appear to be terrorist-related. To bear this out, a group calling itself the I.R.A. (Islamic Rights for Animals) has issued a fatwa on Mr. Bear since some of the victims may have been followers of Mohammed, which has prompted authorities to move Mr. Bear to an undisclosed toybox.

For the actual AP report on this incident, the link is here.

Several years ago, I found this in a trade magazine and thought it was hilarious. I’m sure that the wide range of people that read this blog will find a similar application to their walk in life.


From Machine Design, Jan 16, 1997, pg. 211.

The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4′ 8.5″. Why was that gauge used? Because that is the way they built them in England, and US railroads were built by English expatriates.

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by those who had built pre-railroad tramways, and thats the gauge they used.

Why did they use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools for railroad that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

So why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Because thats the spacing of the old wheel ruts.

And who built those old rutted roads? The first long-distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for their legions.

The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome, they all had the same wheel spacing.

Thus, we have the answer to the original question. The US Standard railroad gauge of 4′ 8.5″ comes from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman Army war chariot.

So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horses a** came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of two war horses!